Love yourself, let it go.

Anger is such a terrible thing that it can tear families, friends and lovers apart if not managed productively. Don’t get me wrong – anger is an important thing to feel, but one must learn how adequately to deal with it before they can really use is in a constructive manner, forgive and move on.

[caption id="attachment_120" align="aligncenter" width="430"] Roaarrrr!!![/caption]

We’ve all been there; felt the overwhelming rage take over us as words we don’t really mean let loose from our lips and sometimes our bodies respond in almost violent ways. Almost always, we regret our actions later, or cause more harm than we meant – oftentimes leaving us in a position where it’s hard to pick up the pieces as the irreparable damage has already been done.

Understanding anger is key in being able to forgive and move on with your life. We mustn’t fight anger, but use it to our advantage. William G DeFoore, with nearly forty years experience in helping people in personal growth and development, says that we must not see anger as being the ‘bad guy’ because in doing so “you just won’t get to the forgiving part.” Anger and forgiveness, in his opinion are much the same.

Remember that life starts with love and anger is an inevitable emotion, which can temporarily or permanently take us away from love. When we work through our anger, we can forgive, which in turn allows us to return to love.

How are anger and forgiveness the same?

Both unhealthy anger and premature forgiveness include judgement, dishonouring oneself, and feeling like you are ‘one-up’ from the other person.

When a person feels anger towards someone else, it is most often that they are judging them and feeling that the other person is wrong, and therefore seeing themselves as being better, or ‘one-up’. By playing what is referred to as ‘the blame-game’ the angry person is in fact dishonouring themselves by not taking responsibility for their actions and instead falling victim to the situation.

The same is true of premature forgiveness, that is to say forgiving someone before you are ready. You are still judging them, and feeling like ‘the bigger person’ by forgiving them, but in truth, you are again, dishonouring yourself, because though you have forgiven them in so to speak, in your heart and gut you still hold resentment towards them.

Things to remember when you are angry...

The other person is responsible for his/her actions that triggered your anger. You are not responsible for their behaviour. You are, however, responsible for your emotional reaction to their behaviour and your actions that result from that.

What happens when anger is healthy and forgiveness is authentic?

In such a scenario, which is really, the place you want to be, and how you want to use your anger in a constructive manner, there is a power attained by a healthy release and letting go, which in the end, brings you out of the victim position. It is important to note that anger can only be healthy when it is accompanied, to some degree, by love, compassion and wisdom and forgiveness can only be true when it is driven by love for yourself and/or the other person.

Understanding anger...

As we discussed earlier, anger is something we’ve all felt, and for the most part we see it as being a bad thing. This is, in fact, a common misconception; anger is not necessarily a negative feeling.

Some more false impressions are that it is possible to be without anger completely, it is wrong to feel angry, anger and aggression is one and the same thing, and when someone is angered they are not safe to be around.

You’ll be surprised to learn, that ‘healthy’ anger, is in effect, a feeling you experience when you’re threatened or opposed and therefore a protective reaction. It is a powerful energy that can be used for positive change or outcomes and thus serves to be a fuel for effective action.

Think about anger towards a system; unhealthy anger would mean causing a ruckus, being violent and voicing your frustrations through destructive actions whereas healthy anger would use those frustrations to delve into one’s creativity and find a practical solution to change how things work.

Next time you’re outraged by something or someone, take a step back, breathe, and search deep within yourself to come up with an answer to solve your issue, rather than lash out.

Understanding true forgiveness...

Funnily enough, true forgiveness is something that only your body can do, as both anger and resentment are held and felt by the body as well as the mind, so you need to make sure they’re both ready to forgive before you can take that step.

Some things that must be understood regarding forgiveness are:

• It requires both a physical and emotional release before it is complete.


• Your body can hold onto anger long after you think you’ve forgiven in your mind.


• You do not have the power to absolve the wrong-doer, forgiveness is for yourself.


• Forgiving someone does not mean that you condone their actions.


• Withholding forgiveness does not hold the wrong-doer accountable for his/her actions – they are accountable regardless.


• You must fully examine the depths of your wounds and anger caused by the wrong-doer before you can move on to forgive them.

One must always remember, that at the end of the day, forgiveness is for you, and for no one else. It is also good for your health as it allows you to be more joyful and loving! Khalil Gibran’s quote comes to mind here, “The more sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain.” But of course, we have to first free our minds and bodies of the fury and resentment! When you pardon someone for hurting you and causing you pain you will feel your body relax; you will sleep and breathe easier.