Someone Else's Seconds?

So I came across this ad - I've seen it before, but I saw it again recently... ok I actually saw the Aston Martin one which is a lot more provokative, but they got me thinking. In western culture men & women alike get around, have a myriad of relationships before they finally find someone they're willing to settle for or want to start a life with. Whether they're open and honest with one another or their past is blurry, it's not something that's held against them.

This side of the world though, it's not so easy... With men, less so, but with a girl, once she's "with" someone, dating essentially, whether or not their relationship has gone much further beyond holding hands, her reputation is essentially tarnished. For those who embark on physical adventures, they've pretty much signed their lives off to these guys as they know that not many other respectable families or boys would be willing to give them a shot. It's sad, really, because the hypocrisy and double standards that are involved means that the guys are doing it just as much, they're sleeping around, having fun, but when it comes to the girl they make their wife, they want her to be untouched, even by them, and pure of mind, heart and soul.

So... if you get a great girl, fun, outgoing, confident, kind, generous, lovely personality, but you're not the first... do you care?

Kicking the BAD Habit!

In addition to increasing your risk of lung cancer, emphysema, and wrinkles so deep they may be mistaken for canyons, smoking cigarettes also clouds your brain. We don’t mean that as a metaphor... people who smoke perform worse on cognitive tests than non-smokers, according to a new study published in the journal ‘Age and Ageing’.

Researchers from King’s College, London, analyzed data on the health and lifestyle habits of more than 8,000 adults over the age of 50. The chosen subjects then participated in cognitive performance tests, such as memorizing new words and naming as many animals as they could in a minute. They repeated the tests during follow ups between four and eight years later. Those who were smokers at the time of being tested scored the lowest on tests of memory, learning, and displaying reasoning skills.

While the exact reason is still unknown, smoking seems to increases the risk of vascular disease, brain lesions, and lung injuries, all of which have been linked to cognitive impairment. The good news, however, is that quitting smoking doesn’t just stop the damage to your brain but can also reverse that which has already been done, a belief which is relatively new. “Ex-smokers do not show poorer cognitive performance compared to never-smokers,” says Alex Dregan, PhD, adding that “it is never too late to quit smoking.”

If you’re a smoker I’m sure you’ve heard it all before. Why the three inch cancer stick is something you should kick to the curb, and with any luck you’ve tried before to walk away from the habit only to pick it up soon after. Worry not! You’re not alone. While half of the smokers try to shake the habit each year, only a meagre 6.2% succeed, according to the Centres for Disease Control and Prevention. Fortunately for you, if you’re still looking for some encouragement and have the will to stop, these tips can more than triple your chances of quitting the cancer sticks for good.

Lo and behold five tips to aid you in your battle against losing your mind, literally...

Mark Your Calendar

Choose a quit date two to four weeks away and write it down in your diary. By giving your smoking a cut-off date, you decrease your chances of putting it off “just one more day.” Be sure to choose your date wisely as major life changes can often trigger lighting up again. Therefore throwing out your pack on the day of a big work presentation might not be the best course of action. Once you’ve got your date sorted, work yourself up to it, reminding yourself that you will be doing this for the greater good.

Embrace Modern Medicine

Talk to your doctor about smoking cessation programs that are offered at hospitals or rehabilitation centres near you, as well as medications that could help you fight the addiction. Withdrawal symptoms—such as tingling, sweating, depression, and even cold symptoms as the lungs clear, can be managed with medication to increase your chances of success, according to medical professionals. You may want to talk to your doctor before you actually pick out your date because some medicines are actually meant to be taken a week or so before quitting.

Don’t Be an Island

Forget “fight or flight”, women have what UCLA researchers call a “tend and befriend” response to stress, which is a result of mounting levels of oxytocin (aka the cuddle hormone). Hence in order to effectively deal with a stressful situation like kicking an addiction, women need support from those closest to them. Talk to your friends before you embark on your journey so that they can be there when you need to lean on them. You may want to talk about how you are doing during the process and let them know how they can best encourage you and keep you going!

Keep a “Wrap” Sheet

Wrap and tape a piece of paper around your pack of cigarettes. Every time you light up, write down the time, place, what kind of mood you are in, and how important you feel smoking is at that moment. Once you’ve put out, rate how good the cigarette was from 1-10 and how you feel post-smoke. By monitoring your smoking for a week or two, you can identify what triggers you to light up. You can go one step ahead and start to cut back on your habit by eliminating each day’s so-so smokes – the ones that don’t rate too high, or that you regret altogether.

Rev Your Metabolism

The average woman gains about 8 pounds when she stops smoking, according to a study and often women smoke to keep their weight down. “It can be a huge deterrent and causes many women to give up on quit attempts,” says Andrea King, director of a Tobacco Cessation Program. As a stimulant, nicotine can increase your metabolism to burn over 200 calories a day more than a non-smoker, according to a 2010 study published in Nutrition & Metabolism. It doesn’t take a genius to see that once you stop smoking, the calories burn more slowly and with increased effort. Luckily though, plenty of healthy habits like strength training, eating breakfast, and staying hydrated can boost your metabolism. Take up these habits as a way to feel more in control of your progress and work your way to increasing your metabolism in a more healthy way.

Heartbreak Warfare

Not to talk in John Mayer songs but I feel like I'm tired of waiting on the world to change. A man and his thirteen year old son were shot dead yesterday, most likely for belonging to a different sect than the majority of Muslims in this foresaken country. Hazaras are dropping like flies; people who are so gentle, kind, amiable, being targeted because of their ethnicity and beliefs... we will turn them, too, into monsters. I can't wrap my mind around it. I know I'm no one to judge, but hey, at least I have that sense. I know that even if I want to skin these people alive and torture them till I see a hint of soul in their eyes, I can't, because that's not my call, it's not my place. But here they are tearing my country to shreds, killing innocent men, women and children, stripping families of loved ones, spreading shrapnel and hatred amongst communities which at the very root of it, are happy.

They're too illiterate to come together, build on love, preach unity, faith & discipline - the three words this nation was founded upon, and instead yearn to take matters into their own, uneducated, crude, hands, eliminating anyone they think is different. These thoughts keep me up at night... how will I raise a family here? Sure, this place has moulded me, the sea breeze is something that has sculpted me and become a part of me, the earth has coloured me and the warm sunshine has made me feel at peace, but really, is this the same Karachi, the same Pakistan that I grew up in? Is this where I'd be comfortable sending my children off to school? Unfortunately... no, I would not. That saddens me, but it's a reality I wish had dawned upon my parents before things got so out of hand... I wish they had skidaddled when they had the chance.

[caption id="attachment_2375" align="aligncenter" width="430"] STOP KILLING![/caption]

[caption id="attachment_2376" align="aligncenter" width="430"] Never at peace[/caption]

Opinionated

So I'm quite opinionated and quick to voice my thoughts and feelings on any matter without thinking of the consequences. Unfortunately, my point(s) of view is/are not always welcome. People don't care about what I think, merely about pushing their own agenda. Sometimes this causes them to blow up in an enraged ball of  flames and do more damage than perhaps they intended.

Recently I got burnt pretty bad for saying something not untrue; expressing myself resulted in a chain reaction leading to a massive blow-up that hurt many people. I'm not sure though, if I regret it. Is my opinion not valuable? Or is it just not desired? What makes one's opinion count? Money? Some other kind of power? Respect? It's too bad that things turned out the way they did, because they left deep scars in fragile hearts and have forever changed relationships. They severed feelings of closeness and openness that was once abundant and have caused strong brick walls to be built around myself that will take years to penetrate.

A chapter has closed. An image has been shattered. A dream has crumbled before my eyes. And I wonder still, if it was worth opening my mouth and speaking my mind or would it have been better to keep it shut and live a fallacy? I also somehow managed to twist my ego's arm into sending out an apology though I really didn't want to, but sometimes one needs to keep up appearances or fix situations while keeping their eyes on the bigger picture, I guess. I also think it's true that the people that can cause the most damage or inflict the most pain are those you care most about... which leads me to think of other things, but I will share those later!

And therein lies the problem

Sometimes I feel like I write the best blog posts in my mind, just as I'm falling asleep. They're articulate and profound but all memory of the words I used is erased once I wake up. Last night, however, after a long conversation my mind kept whirring. I realised that the reason the world is in despair is because instead of focusing on what makes us the same majority of us pick at what makes us different. We don't take into account the fact that under our skin, beneath our bones, beats the same heart. It doesn't matter the colour of our skin, our caste or creed, our socio-economic background, our social standing, our level of education or the language we speak. We don't realise  the difference we could make just by building solid foundations based on our similarities rather than by building bridges to close gaps on our differences.

While we save up to buy the latest gadgetry or eat out with our friends and families poverty and famine take lives, malnutrition, lack of food, and preventable illnesses cause fatalities that we turn a blind eye to. Why? We, collectively, could have made a difference. Problems exist from developing to developed nations and the root cause remains the same... we don't care. Our worries extend only to our immediate circle of family and friends, if that. For most it's only about the self. Employers don't care about their employees, the government doesn't care about the country's citizens, teachers don't care about the students. It's perhaps a survival instinct, everyone's in the rat race and everyone's trying their hardest to get ahead. Add to that our dependence on material wealth for our happiness and you have, quite essentially, a mess and a half. I was thinking of buying myself an iPad, not for any real reason, but just because I want one. That money, I realised, can send a child in my country to school for four whole years, give them a better education and a better future. Imagine that... something that I would appreciate for perhaps a few months at most has the potential to change someone's whole life and the butterfly effect would transcend generations to come.

I've somewhat lost my faith in people, in humanity. There's still a few good ones. Those who will still stop to help a wounded animal, or feed the hungry, or donate religiously. For others, it's all about themselves, and it's a sad state of affairs. I see it on every level, in personal relationships, at work, on the streets. Everyone's competing. But, for what? And at what expense?

These are just some thoughts, random and rambling. They sounded a lot more collected in my head last night. Perhaps I should become a nocturnal blogger.

Those three words...

"I love you" - three pretty small words which can have such a big impact! Some people throw them around pretty irresponsibly if you ask me. There's very few people I say them out loud to because I think that when you do utter them they should be true and mean it. The other person shouldn't need a validation but should be able to taste the essence of the words and the power that they hold. 

The thought was on my mind last night as I said my goodnights and lay in bed falling asleep. More to come on this later :)

Selfishness

So lately, I've been feeling like I can be inherently selfish and think only about myself not caring about the other person or people affected by the situation. I dwell on me, myself, and I as if I am the very reason the earth goes round the sun, the very centre of the universe. I realise, of course, that I'm being a stubborn, spoilt, brat but somehow the fact that I want what I want, even at the expense of possibly hurting other people's feelings is scary beyond belief. How passive can someone be? Especially when the people you might end up hurting out of sheer stubborness are those closest to you and those who care deeply for you. My mind likes to bring up a point when my heart softens, wanting me to take a step back, "If they really care about me, and this makes me happy, shouldn't they just let me have it my way?" So this epic battle between my head and heart continues... there's something I want, well, there's a lot of things I want, but this one thing in particular, and I feel like I'm going to have to really fight for it. I've been fighting for things my whole life, and have come to have the reputation of being a fighter just for the sake of it. The truth is... I'm just not willing to compromise on the kind of life I want to lead. When I have I've been inconsolable for months after and feel like I let myself down. But what are the things worth fighting for? And what things can you step back and let someone else win? And how much can you give in the way of compromise?

Frankenstorm... an understatement?

Prayers for those in New Jersey, New York, Maryland, Rhode Island, Pennsylvania, West Virginia, and Connecticut. Many of my friends and family are there. May God protect them from this massive superstorm.

Is peace just a fantasy?

I'm seething right now. Like I can't begin to tell you the intensity of the feelings bubbling within me, making my blood bubble and boil, if I was an animation there would be steam coming out of my ears and fire in each breath! The reason for this sheer rage? I'm sat on my couch watching these illiterate, frustrated, ruffians burn my country and destroy property, kill lives and loot shops and people without so much as a hint of consciousness. Unfortunately, this is not something that is surprising here, afterall this is Pakistan. We live in fear and apathy. The select few, some 2% of the population, are literate, smart, tolerant and understanding. Everyone else is just trying to make the most of their life, corruption, politics, taking what they can get away with. It makes my heart hurt. And it makes me angry to the extent that I want to run ALL these people over with a tank! Does that make me violent? These pesky hooligans! Do you blame me?

Oh and all this is to PROTEST. What? Oh that we Muslims are WRONGLY accused of being violent. Ok, so you're violently protesting to show you're a peace-loving religion? uhhh...I hate to tell you this but that's not how it's done. They slash WE need to understand and accept that this world is made up of a myriad of people, al who have their opinions and freedom of speech. After all a lot of people may not believe with what we think or may not like our judgement of them. Not that we're anyone to judge. Aren't we only proving them right and disgracing ourselves with this ridiculous behaviour?

Am I just an idealist and a dreamer? Will we never be able to live in peace? I think that literacy and not just knowing your ABC, but actual literacy, a good upbringing, etiquette, learning that comes from going to school and university - about life, not just academics - is what teaches us, for the most part, to live amongst others, other opinions, be tolerant, be understanding, be helpful, solve problems rather than make them. Sure there's always the odd few who are bullies or trouble makers, but for the most part they're outnumbered. What will happen to our world if majority of us are too busy tearing it apart to stop to think how we could live together in harmony? It really saddens me :(

I'm going to have to start an interfaith world peace organisation of likeminded people to try and make things better... and for all the trouble makers... TANKS! *boom*

[caption id="attachment_933" align="aligncenter" width="355"] Why are we killing people who had nothing to do with the film? Why are we rising up against a nation whose government has said they REJECT the film? Do we have nothing better to do? Is this the message we want to send to the world? Is this the state of affairs, the world, we want our children and generations after us to come into? I think not.[/caption]

Stalker Alert!

So there's this guy, let's call him PL (pathetic lowlife) - I could add a lot more letters like S for scumbag, FT for something else but lets keep it short. PL has made it his life's mission of late to irritate, annoy and harass me. He is a supposed doctor at John Hopkins (doing Opthamology) and so one would expect him to be smarter but no... he's been after me, apparently "pursuing" me for nearly two years now. I tell him almost on a monthly basis I'm not interested. where I say no he sees a maybe. I had to shutdown my last blog because of him.

The idiot had the audacity to follow me and my family down to Lake Placid, NY while I was vacationing in the states. My entire vacation I had to take an entourage with me so should he jump out of somewhere one person could hold him down while someone else called 911. Seriously!

He keeps finding new ways to contact/communicate with me and I end up having to delete apps, block numbers etc. Perhaps it was flattering initially now it's plain bothersome. For now he's created a blog and is calling himself: hardworkersrus and commenting weird things.

I complained to the faculty where he works even got my family involved to tell him to back off but today I get a call from his friend who he passed on my number too. I thought the last straw was the inappropriate messages he sent me, but he just keeps getting better at making an idiot out of himself. I'm wondering how to handle it now. How badly can/do I hafto mess up his life for him to get the message? If you have any ideas let me know! This guy has no idea what he's dealing with.

Ok so the time has come to really humiliate him. Clearly he doesn't take warnings seriously and doesn't respect people's personal choices. i'll be posting screen shots of his comments later. He wants me to delete posts, change pictures and other nonsense. Who the hell is he anyway. For God's sake PL mind your own business. I hope prospective employers google you and see what a nut job you are. in fact I think it's time to write to John Hopkins again - they will surely appreciate the screen shots more than my avid readers on this blog!

Is honesty really the best policy?

So I got to thinking... is honesty in a relationship overrated? Should you really tell your spouse/significant other EVERYTHING? Aren't some things best kept under covers - for their own good of course! What they don't know won't hurt them right? With mixed feelings on the matter - influenced by other peoples' opinions - I decided to do some reading... here's what I've got.

Well would they want to know every little thought that goes buzzing through your head? What you really think of their family, insignificant details about past relationships, how you sometimes want to bash their head in? Eh...! Sometimes we lie, or don't share the whole truth to protect our loved ones' feelings, spare them hurt, or avoid an argument - and perhaps that's ok. At least I think so, so long as you're not lying about anything major - like the fact that you're already married, have a child out of wedlock or have some health issues. These are things best shared!

Often time in an emotionally charged situation, or when one is fearful of their partner or partner's reaction, it's hard to draw the line about what should be shared and what it's okay to forget to mention. Many experts say that one's motivation can determine whether or not your fibbing is permissible. If you're doing it for selfish reasons - it most likely isn't; it's wrong. "So, should we lie?" asks Michael D. Zentman, director of the Adelphi University Postgraduate Program in Marriage & Couple Therapy, adding "Perhaps the answer can be found in the question: Whom am I protecting by withholding the truth? If you are protecting yourself, it's probably unwise to lie." Sometimes also, we can end up having double-standards, for instance, I may want to know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but may be sceptical when it comes to coughing up the same (this is just a hypothetical statement and not to be held against me). Not getting the truth, or having an inkling that the other person is hiding something, no matter how inconsequential can lead to anxiety and curiosity tearing one up inside, and so knowing the truth is necessary for one to analyse and move forth with a relationship. After all, if you want the truth, you need to be able to deal with it - otherwise the other person will feel guilty for telling you the truth and making you feel sad and/or disappointed, which can cause them to lie in the future and if lying becomes a habit... pathological liars are no fun - especially in relationships!

In any relationship setting a foundation is key. This is something that needs to be done together, and a couple can discuss what the other can and cannot tolerate slash what they don't want to know. It's okay to say that your wife is looking super sexy after she comes home bedraggled from a rough day at the office or leave out the fact that your husband's parents drive you nuts! Having said that it's important to differentiate between white lies that boost the other's self-confidence and/or keep the passion alive in a marriage/relationship and those that can be detrimental. Zenterman adds that if you're lying to your partner to save yourself from a well-deserved confrontation, such as admitting to having had an affair, the lies will end up doing more harm than good even though they may be intended to 'protect' the relationship. Lying about the big stuff, such as affairs, money matters, secret bank accounts or debts that have been run-up, impulse purchases, can erode trust and cause what was once built carefully to fall apart faster than you can apologise! A lot of the times, when the truth hurts, it's something you may need to hear in order to make a decision, for instance determining whether you want to stay in a relationship where you may have learnt that your spouse has doubts about his/her faithfulness to you.

What's most important, at least in my opinion, is thoughtfulness and self-reflection as well as how much you value your relationship and trust your other half. Only you can determine what's alright to hide, and what should be said out loud for the greater good. Your conscience will probably help. If you feel guilty lying about something it's probably better to have it out in the open. At least then it can be discussed, and if there's a problem it can be identified and solved. Though you may hurt the other person's feelings, in the long run it may just be worth it. In any relationship, consider the feelings (and personality) of your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance and communicate your expectations regarding honesty and/or lying of any magnitude. If you really think that it's okay to lie and to protect what's yours, think of it this way, when you're with someone, aren't you both essentially one unit? Should it be about 'you and me' or should it be about an 'us'? And if it's the latter... isn't what's yours equally the other persons? The lines are beginning to blur. I think I'm going to have to do some more thinking on this... protect me with lies or hurt me with the truth... which will it be?

Paul Ekman, author of Telling Lies says, "Be trusting. It's good for your health and relationship," but not before adding, "To be suspicious is bad for your health and relationship." - Food for thought?

Here's some more tips to maintain a healthy relationship with the right amount of honesty!

Agree that honesty is a priority. As a couple, arrive at a decision regarding open and considerate communication. This will be an important step in establishing ground rules as far as honesty is concerned. After all, communication is key - as I've mentioned so many times before - in any relationship!

Talk about what you need, not what your partner needs to do. John Gottman, a well known psychologist and expert on marriage and relationships, recommends a 'softened startup'. Example: I'm feeling overwhelmed lately. Would you help me identify some ways I can get some more support? When someone is approached 'honestly' about their shortcomings and lacks, it is understandable that they may get defensive and refuse your request or seek revenge later. This way the brunt of it is softened and comes off a little more considerately.

Identify topics that are off-limits. Even after you've decided to be honest, some topics are too difficult to tackle, especially if they've been problematic historically in your relationship. Setting some ground rules about what issues shouldn't be talked about at first is probably a good idea. Once you've agreed to disagree on certain things, (religion, children, politics) or you are aware of topics that can cause agitation to the other party, it's best to steer clear of them. If you MUST get it out of your system - try a journal, or talk to a friend who doesn't blab!

When necessary, wave the white flag. Intense discussions are often difficult and exhausting. If you're trying to be honest with each other, make sure you allow one another to "drop out" at some point for a cooling off period. Example: I want to resolve this with you but I need a few minutes to cool off. Can we take a ten-minute break? Remember, you're tackling the truth to make you and your relationship stronger. Don't let it lead to an argument which weakens you. Identify problems and solve them rationally.

Be mature. An honest conversation with a loved one can be undermined by name-calling, derisive remarks, or belittling contemptuous comments. Try to avoid that. Don't yell. Talk it out. If it's getting too much... wave the white flag!

Aim for progress, not perfection. Nobody is perfect. Honesty in a relationship requires trust, time and tolerance – and the recognition that you are not perfect either!

Phew! Relationships are SUCH HARD WORK!

Love yourself, let it go.

Anger is such a terrible thing that it can tear families, friends and lovers apart if not managed productively. Don’t get me wrong – anger is an important thing to feel, but one must learn how adequately to deal with it before they can really use is in a constructive manner, forgive and move on.

[caption id="attachment_120" align="aligncenter" width="430"] Roaarrrr!!![/caption]

We’ve all been there; felt the overwhelming rage take over us as words we don’t really mean let loose from our lips and sometimes our bodies respond in almost violent ways. Almost always, we regret our actions later, or cause more harm than we meant – oftentimes leaving us in a position where it’s hard to pick up the pieces as the irreparable damage has already been done.

Understanding anger is key in being able to forgive and move on with your life. We mustn’t fight anger, but use it to our advantage. William G DeFoore, with nearly forty years experience in helping people in personal growth and development, says that we must not see anger as being the ‘bad guy’ because in doing so “you just won’t get to the forgiving part.” Anger and forgiveness, in his opinion are much the same.

Remember that life starts with love and anger is an inevitable emotion, which can temporarily or permanently take us away from love. When we work through our anger, we can forgive, which in turn allows us to return to love.

How are anger and forgiveness the same?

Both unhealthy anger and premature forgiveness include judgement, dishonouring oneself, and feeling like you are ‘one-up’ from the other person.

When a person feels anger towards someone else, it is most often that they are judging them and feeling that the other person is wrong, and therefore seeing themselves as being better, or ‘one-up’. By playing what is referred to as ‘the blame-game’ the angry person is in fact dishonouring themselves by not taking responsibility for their actions and instead falling victim to the situation.

The same is true of premature forgiveness, that is to say forgiving someone before you are ready. You are still judging them, and feeling like ‘the bigger person’ by forgiving them, but in truth, you are again, dishonouring yourself, because though you have forgiven them in so to speak, in your heart and gut you still hold resentment towards them.

Things to remember when you are angry...

The other person is responsible for his/her actions that triggered your anger. You are not responsible for their behaviour. You are, however, responsible for your emotional reaction to their behaviour and your actions that result from that.

What happens when anger is healthy and forgiveness is authentic?

In such a scenario, which is really, the place you want to be, and how you want to use your anger in a constructive manner, there is a power attained by a healthy release and letting go, which in the end, brings you out of the victim position. It is important to note that anger can only be healthy when it is accompanied, to some degree, by love, compassion and wisdom and forgiveness can only be true when it is driven by love for yourself and/or the other person.

Understanding anger...

As we discussed earlier, anger is something we’ve all felt, and for the most part we see it as being a bad thing. This is, in fact, a common misconception; anger is not necessarily a negative feeling.

Some more false impressions are that it is possible to be without anger completely, it is wrong to feel angry, anger and aggression is one and the same thing, and when someone is angered they are not safe to be around.

You’ll be surprised to learn, that ‘healthy’ anger, is in effect, a feeling you experience when you’re threatened or opposed and therefore a protective reaction. It is a powerful energy that can be used for positive change or outcomes and thus serves to be a fuel for effective action.

Think about anger towards a system; unhealthy anger would mean causing a ruckus, being violent and voicing your frustrations through destructive actions whereas healthy anger would use those frustrations to delve into one’s creativity and find a practical solution to change how things work.

Next time you’re outraged by something or someone, take a step back, breathe, and search deep within yourself to come up with an answer to solve your issue, rather than lash out.

Understanding true forgiveness...

Funnily enough, true forgiveness is something that only your body can do, as both anger and resentment are held and felt by the body as well as the mind, so you need to make sure they’re both ready to forgive before you can take that step.

Some things that must be understood regarding forgiveness are:

• It requires both a physical and emotional release before it is complete.


• Your body can hold onto anger long after you think you’ve forgiven in your mind.


• You do not have the power to absolve the wrong-doer, forgiveness is for yourself.


• Forgiving someone does not mean that you condone their actions.


• Withholding forgiveness does not hold the wrong-doer accountable for his/her actions – they are accountable regardless.


• You must fully examine the depths of your wounds and anger caused by the wrong-doer before you can move on to forgive them.

One must always remember, that at the end of the day, forgiveness is for you, and for no one else. It is also good for your health as it allows you to be more joyful and loving! Khalil Gibran’s quote comes to mind here, “The more sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain.” But of course, we have to first free our minds and bodies of the fury and resentment! When you pardon someone for hurting you and causing you pain you will feel your body relax; you will sleep and breathe easier.

Too busy for your relationship?

So when you got together he swept you off your feet, bought you little gifts, wooed you like there was no tomorrow and fought to be with you with a fervour that turned you on? I bet you couldn't keep your hands off each other and every next meeting seemed too far away! Now is your knight in shining armour looking, a little, well... tarnished? It's not that hard to polish things up and have them looking and feeling brand spanking new again.

When you choose to be in a relationship the allure is the romance, the newness, the butterflies, the attention, the time you get to spend together, how much you look forward to it and how exciting and fun the times are when you’re finally in each other’s company. After a while, when life gets in the way and the relationship becomes just another thing that goes side by side with other responsibilities it sometimes becomes all labour and not enough love. You’re worried about the future, paying bills, getting day to day things done, keeping a stable job, supporting your lifestyle and such things and the relationship tends to take a back seat. In order to keep it from going completely stale to the point that you don’t recognise yourselves as a couple any more there are some interesting ways to keep the spark alive and keep the bond as strong and as FUN as it was when you started out!

A keen observation is that long-term partners will often “fall out of like” with each other as the relationship matures. Worry not…! There’s always a way to patch things up – as long as you’re willing to make an effort. According to Sue Pratt, a relationship expert, daily routines are what usually burst the bubble of a hunky dory relationship. No surprise there – the honeymoon period is over, and real life starts! This also happens when couples are maturing or growing at a different rate to each other, have separate lives’, experiences and/or social circles and happenings and are therefore not very involved in the others’ life. Fixing that is a no-brainer really… include each other in social activities, do things together rather than apart and share your lives.

Some people feel guilty taking time out from their family, work, responsibilities to get some time alone with their significant other! I would think you’d want to have a specific amount of what I call “us time” on a daily basis to touch base, bring the chemistry back towards what it was, and maybe fall in love all over again. We all know the “in love” often fades and becomes just love – a strong bond that holds you together, a care that means you’ll look out for each other and a need to be together – but the being “in love” is what really ignites that flame and keeps the passion soaring.

[caption id="attachment_68" align="aligncenter" width="300"] relationship got you feeling grrrrowly?[/caption]

One of the things you can do is focus on the positive. This sounds weird at first but hear me out... as you read on it will make sense. Don’t think about how little time you get to spend with each other, instead focus on the time you have, use it wisely, make it count, think about what it does for you and how it can do more. Focus on the attributes of your spouse or partner that made you fall in love in the first place. What were those things you were attracted to and vice versa. Try and bring those out. Let go of what’s not working and mend it by building on what does. Did that make sense?

Go back to the basics, they’re always a good place to start; a solid foundation makes for a sturdy building. So you’ve been together longer than you remember, or it feels that way anyway… start dating again – each other of course! Make that effort. Dress up, go out, wine and dine. Forget about your responsibilities for an hour or two once a week and you’ll feel the newness coming back. Rekindle the romance, stay up all night and talk, walk away from the adult you’ve become and let yourself be children, most of all, the lesson here is HAVE FUN!

Did you know that the better you make someone else feel the better you feel in turn? And of course, what goes around comes around! So whether its whipping up his/her favourite meal, offering a back rub or foot massage after a hard day’s work, or doing his/her chores for the day, I’m sure your actions will be appreciated. I’m always harping on about how actions speak louder than words – because, well, they do! Show him a little effort and his happiness, in turn, will do wonders for both your ego and emotional wellbeing.

If the other person seems unhappy to you, and you claim to know everything about them, probe. What’s keeping them from being happy? Talk about it and remind them that together you can conquer the world, and do anything, and together you will fix this.

The faster you recognise and catch these problems the more likely it is that you will be able to salvage your relationship. Some people recognise that there’s something not quite right but don’t address it because they’re scared to open up a can of worms. Such people have got no one else to blame but themselves as they didn’t try hard enough and probably lost what they had left in a downward spiral where neither party even recognises each other. It’s a sad state of affairs when it comes to that (sometimes literally, as spouses go somewhere else looking for that intimacy or attention).

If you’re really committed to your relationship and want to be happy with your chosen person, making an effort is crucial. If they’re supportive they’re sure to understand that now that you’re all grown up it’s harder to find the kind of time you could get away with when you were younger but that doesn’t mean you take advantage of it. Do take time out – when you can (I’m not advocating skipping out of work, missing important meetings, or forgetting to pick the kids up from soccer) to show the other person that they’re still important to you and (somewhere) at the top of your lists of priorities. And make that time count!

If you feel like you constantly need time off from the relationship or other person – you’re probably not much use being in the relationship in the first place! This would require some time off and reflection about who you are and what you want. Remember that relationships are a reflection of who we are and nothing mirrors our personalities better than our interaction with other people. If you really want to make it work, take some time out and try these helpful tips:

Quality Time:

Spending what is called ‘quality time’ with each other doesn’t mean meeting up with a group of friends or having a bunch of people over for dinner. It means  turning off the telly (and blackberries for the men who love to twiddle their thumbs!) making sure there are no distractions, and then talking and listening with/to the person you love. It’s often said that to test a relationship a couple should take a road trip together of eight to ten hours, if they’re still on good terms, and have something (good) to say to the other, theirs is one to bet on!

 Discover:

Learn something new...together. This time spend together will create a certain level of comfort and an intimacy of sorts. Move out of your comfort zone as doing the same thing day in and out, though it may be routine, will lead to complacency. It’s so easy to get caught up in the way one is used to doing things that we stop investing in ourselves and most importantly our relationship. Whether you take a cooking class together or go to photography workshop, take a language, there’s always a way to sneak in a little romance. Give all of yourself to this new project and make the most of the togetherness.

 Laugh:

Keep your sense of humour! Yes, even when it comes to an emotionally charged situation. This doesn’t just mean making light of a situation, and doing that sometimes may come off as you not being serious about a possible issue. Some disagreements are appropriate and emotions are a part of life. The secret to longevity in your relationship is being able to move through those challenging situations with levity. Don’t hold onto resentment and let those skeletons in the closet take over – be able to laugh at yourself and let things go. This is usually easier for men than women!

 Talk to Each Other:

All too often partners may actually be afraid to talk to each other. They fear that they may in fact be hurting the other person’s feelings. Communication is key to any relationship and one mustn’t be afraid to tell the truth or afraid to hear the truth. This can only strengthen what the two of you have if you listen with an open mind and open heart, with the aim of becoming better as a couple. It’s so easy to talk to your spouse or significant other about anyone else but much harder to talk about yourselves. Take a deep breath, swallow your fears, and talk about what really counts. Tell each other how you really feel, what you’re experiencing, and how you can work to alleviate the situation. That’s the authentic “you,” and there’s no need to hide it from the other person. After all, they’re entitled to see that, and have chosen to be with you, inspite of you. I find that the fear of communicating is always far worse than the conversation itself. After a good heart to heart you’re sure to discover a new energy and closeness in your relationship.

 Keep the Romance Alive:

There is no end to romance; there shouldn’t be anyway! It is an ongoing creative expression that lets the other person know that no matter what’s going on in they’re a big part of your life and you care. It shows them that they are appreciated, important and above all, desired. As a relationship matures, the romance tends to evolve as well – sometimes it just goes out the window. Recognise when this happens and try to bring it back in. Don’t make the mistake of assuming that just because something worked once it will have the same effect every time! Be creative. Try new things. While you may feel one thing is romantic, your partner may not feel quite the same way, so always start off with doing something the other person finds romantic before moving on to something a little different!

This is a great blogpost: http://untiligetmarried.com/2010/08/13/it-actually-is-possible-to-be-too-busy-for-a-relationship/

 

 

 

Live and Let Live...

[caption id="attachment_70" align="aligncenter" width="430"] i LOVE this bumper sticker![/caption]

So I don't want to start any kind of debate here but I find it increasingly difficult to sit and listen to people go off on a tangent that is disrespectful to another point of view be it religious, cultural, sectarian, racist or even political. Sure tolerance means that we listen to what everyone has to say, but then other people need to be vigilant too, of what it is that's coming out their mouths. Do they purposely say things to jab or hurt another party? Are they trying to get a reaction out of them? Will any good come of this? Why can't they just agree to disagree?

Sure, sometimes, curiosity gets the better of me, and I like to read up on, or ask questions about beliefs that vary from my own. After all, what I believe too was taught to me. I wasn't born with that point of view, but I was moulded to see things in that light. I'm open to the possibility that perhaps how I see the world is faulty, maybe another opinion makes more sense. However, for me to learn, I need to keep an open mind, and being defensive about other people saying things otherwise will only make me dogmatic and in a way, illiterate.

I pray to God to give me patience and tolerance so that I can hear everything without being infuriated and without letting it get to me. And I ask God to keep me strong so that I cannot be brainwashed or easily misguided. And most of all I pray to God to surround me with people who, though may challenge my opinions and beliefs, are respectful, and accepting of me as I am.

Life is short... let's coexist in peace and harmony with each other, and learn along the way. Let's laugh and sing and be happy. Let's LIVE.

[caption id="attachment_71" align="aligncenter" width="430"] lack of tolerance is the root cause of all evil?[/caption]